Girl, U So Dirty!

Kids, I need to take a shower. The lack of full-time job has compromised my hygene. I've got to get back on a regular schedule. I admit this because there's no sense in walking around with wavy smell lines and clouds of dust (think: Pig-Pen) radiating from my hair, underarms and lady parts. It's shameful. It's rude. It's soo not cute. Wearing the same outfit for three and a half days is borderline offensive. Seriously, someone needs to give me a citation.

I pretend like the greasiness from my hair is 'shine.' When I reach over to pick something up, the scent of stale deodorant wafts into my nostrils. I feel the wind breeze through my boyish-length leg hairs when I walk around the house in shorts. That's IF I get out of bed and out of my sweats before 3 p.m. I need an intervention. Where are my friends and loved ones sitting around me, tearfully choking on their words as they read heartfelt letters expressing concern for the cleanliness of my coochie? Where are Ken, Jeff and Candy? Where is my gift?

It's okay. I can kick this habit on my own. I'll do better; I promise.

Wanna Get Rid of Your Kids? For Good?

How about killing them off by buying them a Zhu Zhu Pet Hamster? or killing yourself off by listening to the theme song on their website?

If you've watched the news this past week, there were reports the toy hamsters contained chemicals that could harm children. There was a media frenzy about how scary and hateful these toys were, until the FDA and the manufacturer stepped in. Though it was found the toys DO contain the chemical Antimony, it's not enough to make kids sick.

UMMMMMM......

Why would you KNOWINGLY want your kid playing with a toy that has poison in it? No parent should be stupid enough to buy this for their kid. Unless they've got some evil Christmas wishes of their own...

Transient!

...or as I like to say girl, free-sprited!

This is what my apartment looks like! Oh, the horrors of moving! I hate moving. I want to bless someone else...*cough, cough* get rid of *cough, cough* with my love seat, book cases, pots & pans, and other hand-me-down furniture wonders of the 80s and 90s. It's not that I think I'm too good for this stuff. I just don't want the baggage! If it don't fit in the Cobalt, it ain't coming. Snap for the Kids two times! Okaaaay!

Oops, My Bad! Should I Write Them a Note?

That is in my Cher from Clueless voice, just to let you know!

Isn't it funny when you say sorry to someone and they're saying sorry back to you, but the two of you are sincerely apologizing for two different reasons? I digress, however, and I know this sounds confusing; let me give an example.

Picture a new couple on a dinner date at home. Boyfriend and Girlfriend are sitting having a great evening despite nervousness & jitters until all of a sudden, Boyfriend leans over and throws up on the beige dining room carpet. Boyfriend is embarrassed and between dry heaves yells out, "Sorry! I got sick! "
Girlfriend, on the other hand, is less concerned about the vomit and while hunting for carpet cleaner and a steamer yells out "Sorry! I undercooked the chicken, so you might have food poisoning!"

So there, you have it; mutual "sorries" for two different reasons. I say that to say this: I had that happen to me the other day and I felt like I wanted to talk about it!

Hey, I do what I want!

An Oldie, But a Goodie!

MACKIN' 101

Fellas, are you lonely? Not getting any play? Tired of stuck up chicks giving you the eye roll/"I-know-he-ain't-talking-to-me" combination at the let-out of the club? Well, here's the solution you've been waiting for: Mackin' 101!

Meet Krish, an expert in the field. After countless nights outside of parties and clubs, she has experienced it all: the "Pssts, hey shawtys," the awkwardly placed solicitations of wannabe potential suitors, the abrasive yells from young men riding on the passenger side of questionable vehicles, and, oh yes, even the frequent "Alright then, bitch!" when wannabe potentials are on the receiving end of rejection.

But wait! Being solution-oriented, Krish has formulated a fool-proof program to get young men out of striped, Faded Glory polos and into the arms of the young women they desire! After working exclusively with celebrities, Krish is now introducing her renowned program Mackin' 101 for home use! For just three easy payments of $29.99, you too can put the 'Cha' in Charming, put the 'Swa' in Sauve and most importantly, put the juice back in your swagger! But you must act now! This special offer won't last long! Be the first of your homeboys to mack with favorable results every time! Remember, for just three easy payments of $29.99, you can own Krish's fool-proof Mackin' 101! Act now!

Stay tuned after the break when Krish reveals secrets from the Mackin' 101 program!

You Know it's Bad When the Mechanic Tells You the Truth!

My car needs fixing. Again. Trips to the mechanic and hookups to the diagnostic machine are nothing new for me and Emerald (my car's name). But this time, Emerald has outdone herself. Every time I stop at a stoplight, stop sign, or even hesitate on the brakes for a moment too long, she whimpers, chokes, and dies on me. Once on the street when I was trying to make a left hand turn across two lanes. So of course, I knew it was time to take Emerald for a check up.

I decided I didn't want to go with my usual guy because I suspect he's been cheating me a little on the work I've been getting. So I went to these fancy new people who are located off the highway. They took a look at my baby and said with confidence that it was my mass air control filter. Ah ha! So that's why my car has been embarrassing me with her wailing noises. It's so loud that I turn up the volume of my music, which has resulted in a blown out back speaker, *sigh*.

I was so happy that this work was only going to cost me $220. I brought my car back to get worked on, five minutes later, the mechanic calls me and tells me to come get my junk. He can't work on it because it's NOT the mass air control thing or another. Then he proceeded to turn the knife: he was honest with me. And it wasn't good. He told me there was no use in fixing my car because it wasn't like the car was gonna last me too much longer anyway. Then he got even more honest and told me my transmission AND my engine were gonna go out on me sooner rather than later.

I appreciated his straightforward communication tactics, but man! You know it's bad when the mechanic tells you your car isn't worth fixing!