Tsk, tsk, tsk at the Food Network for showing content not suitable for minors. What's up with the culinary porn? Yeah, I said it. And, I'm talking to you, Giada.
Anyone who's watched Giada De Laurentiis on her show Everyday Italian knows what I'm getting at. The soft, seductive vocals; sultry background muzak; unrealisticly full mounds, neat bushels, and sizeable carrots; and of course: the money shot.
Take a quick look below. The good stuff's at the :20 mark. Music at 1:50.
I'm finding myself back in retail...after I said I'd never go back. Not that I've gone back out of love, but out of necessity. However, that is neither here nor there...and my retail woes aren't the point of this post. Well, I take that back; they are the point of this post. Here are my TOP FOUR joys of retail services as they pertain to meeting & greeting; "hi, how are you" if you will:
Answering without looking at me, because I really enjoy guestimating how many inches your highlights have grown out from the crown of your head and at how ill-fitting your pants are from the backside.
ESL people (including ESL look-a-likes) who, when asked a question, cover their mouths, giggle and say "No English!" You know that I know that you know English as a Second Language because I heard you on the phone talmbout how you were "sooo drunk last night" at the bar with your American homegirl.
Responding the wrong way when I ask you what you're looking for in the store. Nodding and saying "thank you" is NOT the correct answer! But, hey, that shows me you're really listening.
And when you do respond to me, you're too important to acknowledge my presence, breeze past with a quick and crisp "Nope!" before I can greet you. Then, three minutes later, you're asking me "Where, how much, what other colors and sizes, etc." So, I politely ignore you, cus NOPE, you don't need any help!
Grandmas throwing shade in Ann Taylor just gives me some kind of rush! I almost can't wait til Christmas season!
I want my 15 minutes of fame, dang it! Why enroll in acting classes, learning to smile with my eyes, when I can become an insta-celeb; a reality star of sorts?
Hello YouTube! I'm thinking of starting my own channel. I'm already addicted, why not contribute to the monster? I've got a trusty formerly white MacBook and a lot on my mind. I can be the next LonleyGirl15, only in poor, back-lit bathroom lighting. I could talk about topics like feminism, afros and NOH8; about dating, Jesus and the perils of being a Have Not. The possibilities are abundant and endless!
What's wrong with microwaving my success and skyrocketing to viral video stardom?
I thought the freedom of not having a job would be fun. It's not. I am getting desperate, panicky, and thinking about tricking myself out at Bone Daddy's or Twin Peaks. I haven't slept in weeks and I get irritated when my gainfully employed pals can't join me for a walk around the mall at 1:30 in the afternoon or for a late lunch at 2:15. Or, better yet, when they can't stay up past 10:45p.m. because they have to be up at six to be on time for work at nine!
Blasphemy, I say!
Not having a job has its perks. I don't have to worry about asking off in order to do hoodrat stuff with my friends; I can wake up when I feel like it; and I can come and go when I please! You know, now that I think about it, this lavish life (I mean, minus the inflow of cash) sounds a lot like freelancing. Maybe I need to take that up!
"ONE MO' 'GIN...HEAD DOWN!!"
Don't act like you don't know the rest.
I had the luxury and excitement of attending a Stripperobics class and do hoodrat stuff with my friends this past weekend. Our instructor was awesome and I was ready to do some damage on the pole. What I ended up with, however, was some damage on the pole.
I was so pumped about this class. I was ready to be upside down just like the pole professionals I saw in my favorite Ludacris video, "P*ssy Poppin'." I thought I was going to swing, dive, and roll around like the sexy, in-control woman I thought I could be. Oh, no ma'am.
Everything was going as planned until the first 20 minutes of the class. I hurt my neck trying to arch my back like a Halloween cat while spinning counter-clockwise. Next came my knees from humping the ground, then my arms from trying to climb, and last, my shoulders and ribcage from trying to do my beloved move: an upside down split while sliding down the pole into a sultry saunter on the ground. Not I; I fell on my butt, on my side, and again on my hip. If I had been about 87-years-old, I would have been done for.
Oh, but wait! There's more!
I had every intention of taking care of some errands the next morning, but when I sat up in bed, my body said, "Girl, bye!" and I instantly knew I was wrong. It was so bad my mother had to help me take off my shirt so I could take a shower, and even then, in the midst of her helpful spirit, I was giving her FEVER! All day, I walked in choppy steps around the house like I was an 87-year-old lady.
That's why this post is so late, I'm just now getting feeling back in my arms and hands and the pain in my ribcage and shoulders has finally dulled. And to think, I was an advocate of wearing my heels; such a shame.
That's what I get for trying to be like them girls in the videos!
Fellas, are you lonely? Not getting any play? Tired of stuck up chicks giving you the eye roll/"I-know-he-ain't-talking-to-me" combination at the let-out of the club? Well, here's the solution you've been waiting for: Mackin' 101!
Meet Krish, an expert in the field. After countless nights outside of parties and clubs, she has experienced it all: the "Pssts, hey shawtys," the awkwardly placed solicitations of wannabe potential suitors, the abrasive yells from young men riding on the passenger side of questionable vehicles, and, oh yes, even the frequent "Alright then, bitch!" when wannabe potentials are on the receiving end of rejection.
But wait! Being solution-oriented, Krish has formulated a fool-proof program to get young men out of striped, Faded Glory polos and into the arms of the young women they desire! After working exclusively with celebrities, Krish is now introducing her renowned program Mackin' 101 for home use! For just three easy payments of $29.99, you too can put the 'Cha' in Charming, put the 'Swa' in Sauve and most importantly, put the juice back in your swagger! But you must act now! This special offer won't last long! Be the first of your homeboys to mack with favorable results every time! Remember, for just three easy payments of $29.99, you can own Krish's fool-proof Mackin' 101! Act now!
Stay tuned after the break when Krish reveals secrets from the Mackin' 101 program!
I'm not in a humorous mood lately. You know why? I'll tell you why. My finances are squeezing me tighter than a pair of skinny jeans around Omarion's nuts.
Sadly, writing entertaining and random blog posts isn't my full-time job. I spend my time at an establishment that could be described as a 'fine retailer.' No, it isn't Walgreen's or CVS, if you wanted to know. At work I do a lot of things that result in KSAs that could easily be transferred into the gleaming resume of a professional sanitary and neatness technician.
I swipe mirrors and counter tops until they are fingerprint-less and sparkling. I handle mail and put trash out. I steam, fold and hang clothing.
And best of all, I get the privilege of picking up 158-dollar dress shirts (woven cotton, mind you) that have been carelessly strewn about on the fitting room floor. And chair. And doorway. I like untangling the straps of backless dresses and turning pants right-side out. I LIVE FOR IT. I might as well be a maid, the work is strikingly similar. But I bet I could get paid more.
I've had some interesting jobs in my almost 10 years of being a part of the American workforce. Let's just say I'm not afraid to make a change. Here's a run-down of some of the tricks I've turned for money:
Waitress
Pizza delivery operator
Real estate flier designer
Phone survey operator (very close to telemarketing)
Temporary cashier
Retail sales associate
Assistant to the administrative assistant at a casino
Part-time retail manager
Part-time retail manager (again)
Full-time retail manager
Retail sales associate
Event photographer
Book reviewer
Beauty product stocker
Local magazine intern
Cocktail waitress
Visual merchandiser
Retail sales associate
Blogger
Keep in mind that some of these gigs did indeed overlap each other, but not all of them. I know I've skipped around a couple of times when it comes to paying the bills, but I can't work somewhere that's boring. I like a little bit of a change. Some people might call it schizophrenic; I think I've learned or gained something from each place I've worked (no matter how temporary). If all else fails, I can tell you how many slices are in an extra-large pizza.
