Showing posts with label God Don't Like Ugly. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God Don't Like Ugly. Show all posts
Photo by UggBoy via Flickr

I went out alone last week for a pre-Labor Day drink. It was cool; I had fun. All was well except for one thing: getting macked on from a person riding—not parked—inside of a car. Yep, moving. Utilizing gasoline. En Route. And, twice in one night at that.

Y’all guys still doing that? Is that still hot in the streets? My bad; I didn’t know. I guess Sunday night was my rude slap back into reality from the dreamland that I was living in where men walk up to you and say something simple, friendly and non-threatening like, “Hey,” or “I saw you so I figured I’d come say ‘Hi.’” That was my last night living it up in dreamland because I was snapped back into Southwestern reality like the adjustment on a high school kid’s designed-to-be-retro ball cap. 

Clearly those men don’t understand how unsettling it was to be walking in the dark and have a car outfitted in all black everything roll up on you at five miles per hour. I borderline considered fight or flight. The first thing through my mind was that I always thought people got snatched by ‘kidnapping vans’ with sliding doors and two black squares for windows on the rear, not by slick-looking Dodge Chargers and Chrysler 300s with rims that shine in the moonlight like Batman’s calling card! Like my friend noted: that approach is frightening on our side, and shows laziness on your part. (Not to mention it reeks of the remnants of street harassment.)

A word to the fellas: I’m grown, and you are too. Next time you try to ‘holla’ at me from the passenger side of your best friend’s ride, I hope God allows the unlocked door to swing open and you fall out onto the concrete.

That is all. 

Top Four: Joys of Retail Greeting

I'm finding myself back in retail...after I said I'd never go back. Not that I've gone back out of love, but out of necessity. However, that is neither here nor there...and my retail woes aren't the point of this post. Well, I take that back; they are the point of this post. Here are my TOP FOUR joys of retail services as they pertain to meeting & greeting; "hi, how are you" if you will:
  • Answering without looking at me, because I really enjoy guestimating how many inches your highlights have grown out from the crown of your head and at how ill-fitting your pants are from the backside.
  • ESL people (including ESL look-a-likes) who, when asked a question, cover their mouths, giggle and say "No English!" You know that I know that you know English as a Second Language because I heard you on the phone talmbout how you were "sooo drunk last night" at the bar with your American homegirl.
  • Responding the wrong way when I ask you what you're looking for in the store. Nodding and saying "thank you" is NOT the correct answer! But, hey, that shows me you're really listening.
  • And when you do respond to me, you're too important to acknowledge my presence, breeze past with a quick and crisp "Nope!" before I can greet you. Then, three minutes later, you're asking me "Where, how much, what other colors and sizes, etc." So, I politely ignore you, cus NOPE, you don't need any help!

Grandmas throwing shade in Ann Taylor just gives me some kind of rush! I almost can't wait til Christmas season!

Hoodrats have it Easy

Throughout my life I've been, for the most part, a nice young lady. There are times, however, when I long to live up to my age group and ethnicity and be a hoodrat.

Exhibiting Grade A Hoodrat behavior has its perks: free Wet n' Wild as a result of starting an argument with the girl at CVS, plenty of fast food to eat from my homegirl's Chic-Fil-A job, looking good with long hair don't care of the plastic variety, and above all, not to mention a plethora of available suitors, many of whom will do ME a favor by sitting at home all day, dilligently, intently & intensely watching my belongings along with my television. How sweet!

Certifiable Hoodrat status is not going to be easy. I will have to learn the words to every Three 6 Mafia song, and that includes Gangsta Boo, Project Pat, AND La Chat's "You Ain't Mad Iz Ya." I'm also going to have to learn a new vocabulary that includes "Baby Daddy," "5.7.9" and "100% Kanekalon Hair!!" And to prove myself even more, I'm going to have to acquire a love of White Tees on men for daytime & evening wear, and accept the wardrobing of striped polos for extra special occasions like weddings.

Being a hoodrat isn't going to be easy, but I'm not going to stop working at it. The benefits greatly outweigh being a classy young lady. I'm already on my way to the nearest Asian-owned Beauty Supply/Clothing store to get my swag up!!

For more information on Hoodrat Stuff, see the in-text links or visit: http://youknowyoudeadazzwrong.blogspot.com
Pics courtesty of You Know You Dead Azz Wrong & their respective copyright holders!

Doin' the Butt!

People do the darndest things after they've taken a few (or twenty) swigs of an adult beverage. I was at a wack-as-hell new year's eve party, but was fortunate enough, in my bored and unimpressed state, to get pushed by THE drunkest girl in the party. This girl made sure she was the life of the party. She cleared a spot on the dance floor via flailing her arms like a frazzled soccer mom and gave us a show more exciting than the midnight countdown. Drunk Homegirl started doing dances I hadn't seen since my fast 14-year-old cousin taught them to me when I was eleven in '94. Kids, I'm talking the Dog, the Running Man, and of course the highlight: the Cry Baby!

But hey, at least she entertained herself and other party goers that night. Watch and be made whole, children.

God Don't Like Ugly Or Burnt Sienna Either




I think that ugly people shouldn't wear earth tones. If you are indeed an ugly person seeking advice, listen to me and listen to me good: DO NOT WEAR BROWN, OLIVE, KHAKI, OR BURNT SIENNA NEAR YOUR FACE! This only makes your skin look drab, brings out the dark circles you already have under your eyes, and makes your teeth look dingy.

I know fall is approaching and natural looking colors of the earth and forest tempt you from department store racks. Please don't fall into temptation. Put your blinders on and let the Lord lead you to the salvation of navy blue, white or shades of gray!

Don't let yourself be a victim. You will only increase the already unsavory reactions people give you based upon your ugliness. Put away those olive and tan dress shirts and diminish your bad luck as much as a merlot colored shirt will allow.
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