P Poppin' on a Handstand

Photo by PatriotPro
Don't act like you don't know the rest.
I had the luxury and excitement of attending a Stripperobics class and do hoodrat stuff with my friends this past weekend. Our instructor was awesome and I was ready to do some damage on the pole. What I ended up with, however, was some damage on the pole.

I was so pumped about this class. I was ready to be upside down just like the pole professionals I saw in my favorite Ludacris video, "P*ssy Poppin'." I thought I was going to swing, dive, and roll around like the sexy, in-control woman I thought I could be. Oh, no ma'am.

Everything was going as planned until the first 20 minutes of the class. I hurt my neck trying to arch my back like a Halloween cat while spinning counter-clockwise. Next came my knees from humping the ground, then my arms from trying to climb, and last, my shoulders and ribcage from trying to do my beloved move: an upside down split while sliding down the pole into a sultry saunter on the ground. Not I; I fell on my butt, on my side, and again on my hip. If I had been about 87-years-old, I would have been done for.

Oh, but wait! There's more!

I had every intention of taking care of some errands the next morning, but when I sat up in bed, my body said, "Girl, bye!" and I instantly knew I was wrong. It was so bad my mother had to help me take off my shirt so I could take a shower, and even then, in the midst of her helpful spirit, I was giving her FEVER! All day, I walked in choppy steps around the house like I was an 87-year-old lady.

That's why this post is so late, I'm just now getting feeling back in my arms and hands and the pain in my ribcage and shoulders has finally dulled. And to think, I was an advocate of wearing my heels; such a shame.

That's what I get for trying to be like them girls in the videos!

Just for fun:

Made in His Image: Richard Simmons

For some reason, Christians and heathens alike want to know how Jesus Christ looked. Was he white, black, or God-forbid, for some people, middle-eastern? Was he chubby, skinny, or beefy? Was he black like Wesley Snipes? Well, I think I’ve got a pretty good description for you of how Christ's swagger might have been all those years ago. And I gather he closely resembled motivator to the chunky, none other than Richard Simmons!

Don’t try to poke holes in this well-crafted theory by angrily saying that I’m blaspheming God in human form. But, if you want to get technical, think about the Biblical description. Hair like lamb’s wool? Check. Feet like brass? Check ('cause Richard’s got a tan like nobody's business). Voice like many waters? Well, not that one, but, you know his squealy voice when you hear it! Those are only the physical characteristics. And, for the convenience of you naysayers, I’ve hastily created a crude little features and technical specifications comparison chart. Take a sip of the living waters:

Revelations also mentions a little gem I discovered--that Jesus has his name on his thigh. How do we know this? Because the Bible tells us so! I don’t know if this tattoo is revealed via a flowing white robe or red striped short shorts, but either way it goes, J.C.’s showing a little leg.

Jesus has the desire to motivate us to be in the best shape we can, he wants us to stay positive, and press toward the mark of the prize of the high calling. Sound like someone we know? Rev. 1: 17 notes, “And when I saw him, I fell at his feet as dead. And he laid his right hand upon me, saying unto me, Fear not;” If that doesn’t sound reminiscent of Sweatin’ to the Oldies, then I don’t know what is!
(Don’t believe me? See Rev 1:1-20 & Rev 19:16)

Girl, U So Stylish!

Though the leggings trend is on its way out, my vision still being wronged on a daily basis. There are so many fashion offenders and victims that fall by the wayside as a result of this fad that I often ask the Lord, "Why has thou forsaken me!?! What did I do wrong to deserve having this nylon-spandex atrocity dance before my eyes?"

Don't get me wrong. There are times that leggings as spandex pants look good. Real good. Megan Good, good. But the realities of life don't allow me to enjoy a view like that. I'm stuck watching a Mary Gordon instead of a Megan Good; a Holly Bear instead of Halle Berry. Why?

Why, why, why?

I saw a woman earlier today with a cute sweater and boots on, paired with those damned leggings. It would have been acceptable had she not been shaped like an apple with two straws sticking out of the bottom. And, that wasn't even the worst part. What is even more disturbing than leggings on the wrong body type are leggings that the wearer isn't aware that the "pants" are more like "pantyhose" and that I can see straight through said leggings down to the granny panties, Spanx, or God forbid, butt pads, beneath them.

Ladies, stop it.

That is all.