Made in His Image: Richard Simmons

For some reason, Christians and heathens alike want to know how Jesus Christ looked. Was he white, black, or God-forbid, for some people, middle-eastern? Was he chubby, skinny, or beefy? Was he black like Wesley Snipes? Well, I think I’ve got a pretty good description for you of how Christ's swagger might have been all those years ago. And I gather he closely resembled motivator to the chunky, none other than Richard Simmons!

Don’t try to poke holes in this well-crafted theory by angrily saying that I’m blaspheming God in human form. But, if you want to get technical, think about the Biblical description. Hair like lamb’s wool? Check. Feet like brass? Check ('cause Richard’s got a tan like nobody's business). Voice like many waters? Well, not that one, but, you know his squealy voice when you hear it! Those are only the physical characteristics. And, for the convenience of you naysayers, I’ve hastily created a crude little features and technical specifications comparison chart. Take a sip of the living waters:

Revelations also mentions a little gem I discovered--that Jesus has his name on his thigh. How do we know this? Because the Bible tells us so! I don’t know if this tattoo is revealed via a flowing white robe or red striped short shorts, but either way it goes, J.C.’s showing a little leg.

Jesus has the desire to motivate us to be in the best shape we can, he wants us to stay positive, and press toward the mark of the prize of the high calling. Sound like someone we know? Rev. 1: 17 notes, “And when I saw him, I fell at his feet as dead. And he laid his right hand upon me, saying unto me, Fear not;” If that doesn’t sound reminiscent of Sweatin’ to the Oldies, then I don’t know what is!
(Don’t believe me? See Rev 1:1-20 & Rev 19:16)