The Black Guy Uniform

I am so TIRED of seeing guys in striped polo shirts. Do the make any other style other than horizontal stripes? You know what: it doesn't matter because I detest them all. I don't understand the mass appeal of these garments. It's like bees to honey, mice to cheese, flies to a picnic. Is there some unwritten clause in the Black Guy Code of Ethics under the Grooming tab that instructs all uninformed Black guys over the age of 14 that they, too, should be wearing a horizontally striped polo shirt at EVERY outing? And, don't start with that "it's universal and comfortable" mess! I'm not buying it! These tops are everywhere: the pulpit, the job interview, the club, the grocery store, even private school. Somebody please break this generational curse that began in 1996! I can't even look at this pic. I want to slap that smug, "it's-so-no-fuss-and-stylish" smirk right off his face. Ugh.

An Oldie, But a Goodie!

MACKIN' 101

Fellas, are you lonely? Not getting any play? Tired of stuck up chicks giving you the eye roll/"I-know-he-ain't-talking-to-me" combination at the let-out of the club? Well, here's the solution you've been waiting for: Mackin' 101!

Meet Krish, an expert in the field. After countless nights outside of parties and clubs, she has experienced it all: the "Pssts, hey shawtys," the awkwardly placed solicitations of wannabe potential suitors, the abrasive yells from young men riding on the passenger side of questionable vehicles, and, oh yes, even the frequent "Alright then, bitch!" when wannabe potentials are on the receiving end of rejection.

But wait! Being solution-oriented, Krish has formulated a fool-proof program to get young men out of striped, Faded Glory polos and into the arms of the young women they desire! After working exclusively with celebrities, Krish is now introducing her renowned program Mackin' 101 for home use! For just three easy payments of $29.99, you too can put the 'Cha' in Charming, put the 'Swa' in Sauve and most importantly, put the juice back in your swagger! But you must act now! This special offer won't last long! Be the first of your homeboys to mack with favorable results every time! Remember, for just three easy payments of $29.99, you can own Krish's fool-proof Mackin' 101! Act now!

Stay tuned after the break when Krish reveals secrets from the Mackin' 101 program!

"But the Kid is NOT My Son...!"

I don't want kids. So don't judge me when I don't want to hold hands, bond with, or look after your germ infested, ill-mannered, temper tantrum throwing little beasts you call Junior, Timmy, Sally or Bobby.

That is all.

Doin' the Butt!

People do the darndest things after they've taken a few (or twenty) swigs of an adult beverage. I was at a wack-as-hell new year's eve party, but was fortunate enough, in my bored and unimpressed state, to get pushed by THE drunkest girl in the party. This girl made sure she was the life of the party. She cleared a spot on the dance floor via flailing her arms like a frazzled soccer mom and gave us a show more exciting than the midnight countdown. Drunk Homegirl started doing dances I hadn't seen since my fast 14-year-old cousin taught them to me when I was eleven in '94. Kids, I'm talking the Dog, the Running Man, and of course the highlight: the Cry Baby!

But hey, at least she entertained herself and other party goers that night. Watch and be made whole, children.

It's Brittany, Bitch!!

Oh, kids, I'm back. I've been on a hiatus and the reason why is none of yo biz! But, I will be posting [semi] regularly again, so you can taste and see that the Lord is good!

You Know it's Bad When the Mechanic Tells You the Truth!

My car needs fixing. Again. Trips to the mechanic and hookups to the diagnostic machine are nothing new for me and Emerald (my car's name). But this time, Emerald has outdone herself. Every time I stop at a stoplight, stop sign, or even hesitate on the brakes for a moment too long, she whimpers, chokes, and dies on me. Once on the street when I was trying to make a left hand turn across two lanes. So of course, I knew it was time to take Emerald for a check up.

I decided I didn't want to go with my usual guy because I suspect he's been cheating me a little on the work I've been getting. So I went to these fancy new people who are located off the highway. They took a look at my baby and said with confidence that it was my mass air control filter. Ah ha! So that's why my car has been embarrassing me with her wailing noises. It's so loud that I turn up the volume of my music, which has resulted in a blown out back speaker, *sigh*.

I was so happy that this work was only going to cost me $220. I brought my car back to get worked on, five minutes later, the mechanic calls me and tells me to come get my junk. He can't work on it because it's NOT the mass air control thing or another. Then he proceeded to turn the knife: he was honest with me. And it wasn't good. He told me there was no use in fixing my car because it wasn't like the car was gonna last me too much longer anyway. Then he got even more honest and told me my transmission AND my engine were gonna go out on me sooner rather than later.

I appreciated his straightforward communication tactics, but man! You know it's bad when the mechanic tells you your car isn't worth fixing!